*offers hugs* You are not horrible. In fact, you sound like a really caring person, from everything I've seen of you around the boards. In realy life you've tried to save other people from him, by suffering his violence yourself or by warning them what he's like. And here you offer support to us whenever you can. That's not a horrible person at all.
Wanting it not to have happened isn't a stupid thing. Of course we know that you can't undo the past, but that doesn't stop us thinking "what if..." and wishing that we'd never had to go through everything painful that's hapened to us. But one thing you need to remember is that you're not bad. Or horrible. Or any negative thing that you call yourself. You don't need to be punished to become a good girl, as you're not bad to begin with.
As for using sex as a way to hurt yourself/recreate the abuse... I know several people who do that. God knows I've done it loads in the past. It's not a bad thing in itself, but the negative impact it has on your mental health isn't a good thing. Do you have a counsellor or someone you could discuss this with in real life?
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