[bitomato]

Hi again.
So like I said today was my official last day at work.
I had some difficulty leaving and felt really overwhelmed afterwards.
I am not sure what to do in terms of my daily activities. Although I have been trying to be out and about at my family and friends' request doing errands etc..........I live in a sea of filth from the standpoint that I get anxiety attacks about dishes and laundry- which have been steadily piling up for weeks. I have tried to talk to people about how much this is concerning me, and a friend has asked me to contact my psychiatrist before my appointment next week- and before the holiday.

I just feel exasperated. Before I would kind of get out the depression enough to do a massive wash of dishes and laundry. But it has never gone on for so long. I was hoping to get some help but family and friends are caught up in their lives. I was thinking that it would be okay but realised things are growing on pots etc................and I hardly have any clean clothes left (wearing fancy dress to the supermarket kind of stage now).

I want to call the psychiatrist but I am afraid of being put on sleeping meds or higher dosage of antidepressants in terms of going manic or suicidal. My goal was to lose weight to deal with my diabetic complications but I can't even get to bathe everyday..................

I keep telling myself I am just lazy and I probably need a good kick in the butt. But I am just too tired in terms of not wanting to really journey forward on the road of life for too long because I keep falling asleep behind the wheel.

I know this isn't normal for me and I have been spending alot of time on RYL but I feel disconnected from my own reality. I can't go to hospital and have to noone to care for me- am I worrying about too much. Or is something really wrong and should I worry?

I am not ready to give up the cutting/ sharps yet either although I have managed to get through the last few days SI free including compulsive eating.