[harlequinn]

Jacob,
It's funny, I really don't even remember what it was that kept me with you so long. Now that I'm on the outside, now that I have someone that treats me with respect, someone who appreciates me for who I am . . . now that I am not constantly on edge every single moment of every single day, I cannot for the life of me figure out what it was about you that kept me around. You treated me like ****. What on earth did you get out of that? I mean, yeah, you had me all the time, whenever you wanted me . . . but I was a shell of the person that I was when we first met. That fire that attracted you to me in the first place? You pissed on that pretty quick. It was out by the time we celebrated 6 months. I had almost no fight in me. I was so worried about your emotions all the time that I never even gave any thought to mine. My life revolved around you.
Yeah, I'm angry at you. I'm furious. The hatred I have in my heart burns with the intensity of all the stars in a clear sky . . . times a million. You stole my virginity from me. What were you're words exactly? "**** it, you're getting laid"? True, I was willing to give it to you at the time. I just didn't realize that it was going to be such an emotionless, degrading experience. I just thought that's what it was supposed to be like.
You scared me away from other people. Every boy I've met, the same thoughts have gone through my head. 'Can I really trust this person? Maybe it's better just to keep my distance. I can't be hurt again.' Who gave you the right to take away my faith in people? Who gave you the right to make me feel like the scum of the earth? To drive me away from my friends? To keep me away from my family? Who in the hell gave you the right to take away my freedom, my sanity, my peace of mind?
What you taught me about love is that a girl is meant to give and give and give without complaint - give time, give money, give love, give sexual favors - and without hope for ever having the opportunity to be given something. You taught me that if I just sit back and ignore everything that is dished out, maybe it'll just be minor and I won't wind up in tears later on in the night; but if I fight back, I will lose one way or the other. You taught me to treasure the few bits of affection I felt I would get, and to hold on to the memory of those while you were reminding me of how many *******s I owed you.

Most of all, I'm angry at myself. I am furious at myself. The amount of self-hatred that I feel is unfathomable. I was always a strong person, with an intense self-preservation instinct. I spoke my mind, stood up for what I believed in, and would not tolerate my opinions being shot down. I let you walk all over me. I let you sway my opinions, and kept my mouth shut when you said things that went against my beliefs (which happened all the time with things that I feel very strongly about). I let you seperate me from my family, I let you distance me from my friends, and I let you control me. I let you control me. I even got out twice, and came crawling back. I hate myself for changing the way I did for you. I hope you ****ing burn in hell, you coldhearted bastard. I hope you fall into an early grave and spend eternity paying for what you have done not only to me, but to every single person you've ****ed over. While I will never forgive myself for what I let you do, the loathing I feel for you is a feeling I seriously doubt I will ever have for anyone else.
So there you go. You have a special, fiery place in my heart. A place full of disgust, misery, and hatred. **** you, you slimy piece of ****.