[Margo]

Ok so im finally coming out of a long and serious bout of depression. Its my worst ever! Just about 18 months of complete and utter misery, self hatred and loathing, self harm, destruction and suicidal thoughts. This should be a good thing, right? Well im terrified! Completely and utterly terrified!

Ive suffered depression for a long time. On and off, but its always been there festering in the background for virtually half of my life. Ive dealt with it and coped. Ive had major episodes in the past but my will to get better has always meant they were relatively short periods of nothing more than 3-6 months at worst. I looked forward to and relished the thought of being well again and this always got me through.

This time however has been different. Totally different. Something went majorly wrong upstairs with my wiring and hence ive been basically crippled for all this time. Ive lost pretty much it all in the last 18 months. A good job, good car, girlfriend, dog, house, money, my physical health, appearance and my friends.

Because ive been ill for so long its become my life. Its all i know now. However, the dark heavy curtain is being lifted and im getting glimpses of "reality" and "light". Rather than being happy about this though, im actually petrified. I am completely and utterly petrified. Ive lost the comfort of constant solemnity and suicidal thoughts. Heh, its sounds odd writing that but it was safe inside that little hell i was in. It was safe because i knew it and recognised it. It was mine and i controlled it to some extent.

Now im faced with "getting better" and to me its the most terrifying thing ive ever had to face. Right now i would take the cianide pill rather than life. I really would.

I know that i still have a way to go. Im told that this will take time.

I was wondering if anyone else felt the same or has had similar feelings and gotten though them, or could add some words to give a little hope. Am i the only one this terrified of getting better? Is this normal?

Thanks

Matthew xxx