Even if you were doing it for attention (and I don't believe you are) it would not make you a horrible person. I've never seen (or read rather) you in this way before, you sound very frightened and out of control, and I don't think it's your fault. I also really relate, a few years ago I was having long panic attacks that had me in hospital with similar reactions.
You often seem to be scared of what other people think of you, and talk about people hating you. At the moment things sound utterly unbearable and these longstanding beliefs must make things even worse. I know you can't just not believe them (I have the same ones and can't either), could you sit down with your family or write them a letter, you've said it's hard to talk to them, that they dont like to talk, which must make things so much harder. Could your psych or anyone speak to them for you? Just to sort of give a few pointers that you can't help this and how to help you and help themselves
I don't think they hate you deep down, when I Was out of control my parents used to say they hated me and I was ruining their lives too (I remember you saying they've said this to you in the past?), so to some extent I know how painful and crushing it is to hear. I think right now your family are incredibly stressed and they're taking it out on you, it doesn't mean they hate you though.
Being restrained is terrifying, particularly in these circumstances when you're already afraid. Could there be a quiet spot with say a bean bag or a pillow you could agree to go to to calm down rather than being restrained? Have you ever done an exercise where you go to a safe place in your head to calm down?
Right now home sounds like a very scary place, it sounds a little how Aquarius was (hope it's ok to make that comparison) at times. Is there anywhere you could stay at the moment? Is supported accommodation stll on the cards?
I also got very scared of people hating me and asked them 'are you mad at me/ do you hate me/ sorry' all the time, which got people so angry too, saying that what I said was meaningless and that they would hate me if I didn't shut up saying that, and I think this is ismilar with you, it sort of reinforces the fear.
I also hate it when I have panic attacks and people say 'you can do this, you can have control'... if only it was that easy!
Have you been thinking about anything in paticular lately? Like if I think about certain things in my past it can bring on panic attacks, or do these correspond with any bad dates? Has anything happened?
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