thanks for the reply
i had two more this morning, they are getting shorter only about 30 mins each but they are getting more frequent!
i would talk to my brother but we are kind of pretending it didnt happen (like we do alot in my family) so i dont really want to drag it up!
im terffied of having another really long one and being put back in hospital again! my parents get really angry when i have them or at least thats how im perceiving it and when i ask them "are you angry at me" when its all over they say "you want us to be dont you!" i dont im just asking because im scared they are! im also worried about going to see my psych on tuesday as i have to get the bus and i dont want them to have stop the bus for me while im panicking also i scare people with the whole shakey and hitting my head and throat! i dont want to scare people!
and my parents are going to an auction tomorrow which i have to go with them but i dont want to have a panick attack in the middle of it because then they wont be able to bid! mainly im just really scared this will ruin christmas and i will either end up inside or have a panick attack on christmas day and ruin it for everyone! why have they come back?
when i had my long one on wednesday they thought i had taken recreational drugs and when i said i hadnt there was talk of being drugged while i had been out with my friend on that day! but i know he would never do that! so why would they suddenly have come back? and worse then ever? im so confussed and my head is constantly spinning i dont know what im think my thoughts are going so fast and i just wish i was dead right now! i know thats a really stupid thing to think because nothing big has happened all thats happening is stupid little panick attacks but im finding it so hard to cope and being kept away from my friends and trapped with my family isnt helping! i have a plan to do something to end my life but i know i will just get caught by the police before i even make it to town to buy what i need and i dont want to hurt my family! they are trying so hard to help me and i dont want to blow it back in there faces! i feel so bad for being such a horrible screwed up daughter! and they say its ok that i am unwell and i cant help it but maybe i can! because whenever i have a panick attack people talk to me and say "you can beat this just breath" like its in my control and then get angry when i dont respond but i cant hear them i mean i can but its very distant im like trapped in my own not breathing kind of world and i know it is probably in my control but i just feel so helpless at the moment and i hate it!
sorry another rant! im just so muddled at the moment