[lost]

i feel very dirty right now.
it was a simple night with my boyfriend.
over at his house.
watching a movie.
more like "watching" a movie.
we were more intersted in each other.
i guess you could use the cliche of "one thing led to another"
because it did.
and i was fine with that.
after it was over, he felt the need to touch me.
i didnt want to be touched.
yet he continued to let his hands wander.
i told him to stop and pushed him away.
i guess he didnt understand?
because he was back next to me,
trying to please me.
but it made me sick.
i feel so dirty now.
why wouldnt he just stop.
i was fine with the sex...as long as it didnt involve anything else.
if i we could have just had sex and then let me forget about it.
because i feel dirty now.
i was in the moment to long.
gosh i feel like a slut.
so how does one get over that moment?
the moment of feeling completely out of control?
i could do nothing to make him stop.
he was stronger.
and he knew what he wanted.
i dont know if this is abuse.
but i didnt knwo where else to post it.
i dont knwo if he had a right to touch me like he did.
all i know is i am now i feel dirty
used
broken
and i want what he stole from me back.
i dont know exactly what he stole
all i know is a peice of me is gone
an empty space.
and now i feel like cutting again.
because maybe that can replace what he took.
maybe it can be my penance.
if i cut now, the blood will wash me clean.