thanks - no, i havent really got anyone to talk to... i considered going to my GP, but theyre literally all family friends (i know, weird situation) and anyway, my mother would find out eventually and it'd all end in tears....
the thing is, i was ok before... i was down from time to time, but i was dealing with it. albeit in a negative way through SI, but i was even stopping that successfully....
then my 'friend' decided to get involved, and has basically forced me to stop through a combination of emotional blackmail and just plain insane-closeness and smothering.... she looks at my arms like every day - ive started cutting higher up even though i deliberately never have in the past, just coz i cant stop but need to hide it so much now...
ive just supported the same girl through a claimed suicidal phase she had. i say claimed only because i suspect she only said it to get sympathy from me, as she knows that i have attempted suicide myself, and so couldnt turn away from her.
i feel manipulated and foolish.
and now she feels better, and so is really happy ALL the time, which i hate (lol i sound really mean) because when she was sad i had to help her, but now im clearly in distress, shes ecstatic....
and then there's uni applications - i havent heard anything back, and a couple of friends have had rejections which scares me, and upsets me too, just coz theyre so shattered by it.
probably due to stress i now cant find any appetite, so im eating more out of habit than anything. sometimes. which leads to people getting on my back that i should eat more, making me conscious of everything i do consume, so i feel hideous constantly....
i fear i sound ridiculous and mopey, but i just cant do this much longer. it literally feels like everything is a mammoth effort, i want to sleep all the time, and i cant concentrate on anything...
i feel so weak and i hate myself - its like im a poison.
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