I got through this afternoon's. So that's nearly half way. And, hopefully tomorrow morning's will be easier because I did today's.
But. Ick. I could only, it seems, get to a place of feeling in a better self to cope with this afternoon by falling into a complete child state and running out of the room bursting into tears when my manager picked up on something I'd missed out on an invoice stamp. Basically the feeling of being overwhelmed and such overtook me. It was the only way I felt able to break through, although I was so vulnerable it could have happened any time, and better in the relative privacy of the office than in a huge meeting with half the council department staff. My manager did speak to me, when I emerged from the toilets with red eyes, and it did help. I hadn't been able to speak up before then today.
It really is yuck that the only way I 'know' of getting my needs met is to fall into total Trini/child space, but I'm trying not to judge it, and look at the whole perspective.
This afternoon was fairly cope-able with. It's just that a senior manager was sitting on our table when we did the group activity, and I wasn't 100% sure that it was her and not someone else, and my brain didn't compute with my mouth, and was way more vocal in what I contributed that I should have been to be 'safe' and feel comfortable. Mind you, I get so self critical that it's hard to tell. But 'careless talk costs jobs' and all that.
Now, 'just' tomorrow morning's to get through.
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