Thanks Oly.
I've been at work today. I've got my period. It's heavy and painful. I'm tired. The weather is cold.
So it was hard to get through the full day of work. I wasn't very motivated. I really wanted to be curled up under a blanket next to a radiator with a good book and read all day... Also getting there, Katrina was out, over reacting to minor annoyances, and exaggerating awkwardness. Like this guy standing in the newsagents doorway, leaning on the lottery stand, filling out the forms, and with his bottom stuck right across the doorway space. Technically there was room to get past, but it felt too intimidating and not enough space. Katrina had a go at him, and she gave up asking him to move in the end, because he was being a ****, as it were. Or rather I took Katrina away from the scene. It's weird. I get into this vulnerable, rabbit trapped in headlights state, hyper-vigilant, and then Katrina storms in often even now without my being fully able to 'hold her back'. One of the things my GP said yesterday was that it's not the end of the world that I get into this defended state and act it out, but it does feel, from where I'm standing, acutely shameful and alienating. I'm still doing my best to reflect on it. One trigger today is my period - feeling the pain attacking me from the inside, and so going on the attack with those outside. Primitive defences have become very developed in me, which sounds a paradox, but isn't really, I guess, when you consider my past.
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