I've recently slipped back into self-harm after a couple months "clean". I was making loads of progress with my self-harm and all other aspects of my mental health recovery. My doctor and family were all really pleased and like "oh, you're better now". As if I was completely well forever, like. I've suffered a relapse with everything, and I'm scared no one believes me. Hiding how I really feel from everyone is great, because it means they aren't hurt or worried. But it means I'm all alone. And it's so damn hard to smile and laugh when inside I just want to die. Sometimes it's so bad, I have to really wrestle with myself to not do something really spontaneous. Everything is affecting me really badly, and I just can't go on living in this world anymore - it's such an awful place. I think of people in their 20s and think "how did they survive this life for that long". And I'm 19. The only reason I've not made an attempt on my life in just over a year is because I promised a few really good friends (including my best friend Amanda) and my sister (CrazyHayley on RYL) that I wouldn't attempt again. There's people that need me and the people I love I don't ever want to put through that pain. Besides, I CAN'T break a promise anyway. So I'm stuck here. Sometimes I want to go ahead and break all the promises anyway; sometimes I want to hurt them all so that no one cares for me anymore so I can die without hurting anyone; sometimes I want to beg them all to let me go... So yeah, I feel that bad AGAIN. But people just get fed up of me not getting better. I've been ill for years. I pick up a bit, then relapse, then pick up a bit... You get the picture. Recovery doesn't exist for me. It's like, I don't think I'll ever beat this; only temporarily and then fall backwards again... So what's the point in fighting anymore? I really can't take this world anymore. I can't survive here. but I can't go either, because of my friends and family. I can't live, and I can't die. So what the hell do I do?
I didn't put this in the serious/suicide forums because like I said, I won't go back on those promises, so I'm not planning or anything. That and, when I started typing, I meant to talk about SI and all this came out instead.
I keep letting everyone down, and I feel so guilty.
I hate myself.