What if you did scream?
I can understand that feeling of being utterly on the edge.
I hear how you've been pushing through it. You're doing your best to hold things safe.
You do hear and feel the self-destructive thoughts and feelings though, and that is concerning for you. I know for myself that self destructive thoughts come in when I'm feeling low, because some part of me feels she can't bear the sadness feeling inside. But it is possible to hold the sadness, tenderly, with care. It doesn't need to be attacked.
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