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bobbiwibble · 04-11-2009, 08:26 PM

in white cos pointless and rambling and triggeringDear P
I hate you. I hate you the most, because you made me so impure, you made me so confused, doubting myself, I was still doubting myself afterwards when all the rest happened, because you made me thnk that maybe it was okay
I don't have an excuse -there was a girl in my class who was doing it with boys, so I can't say that I was a child and didnt understand. But I DIDN'T understand, maybe I was just that naive. Maybe I WANTED to not understand, because it made me not have to think about wanting you, wanting what you were doing to my friends on a weekly basis, making me stick my chest out and suck my stomach in because please oh please, this week let me be pretty enough, let me not have to sit there in my shame while your eyes roll lazily over my hair and my face and my wonky half-milk teeth and my clothes over my fat fat stomach before moving on, wanting to know what it was like, just once.
I hate that I tried to make myself good enough for you.
Luke, he's ill. he has to be. Karen, she was young. she had it all. it went to her head. but you?
year after year, strictly 12-16 year olds please
grinning because you could make them compete, because you had the power, because we believed that you were in the right.
you made ian hate me. i had a crush on him and you knew it. you knew how much it meant to me when he stood iup and tried to stop you. so you hurt him. you did... things to him. and you did it in the next room so we all had to listen, while they all stared at me and i had to LISTEN while you did those things.

touch of death, right? ian, lesley, sion, patrick. everyone whos unlucky enough to catch my eye. one raped because of me. one in prison because of me. one DEAD because of me. one suicidal, possibly BPD because of me. and i want to blame you. i want so badly to blame you.. god why did you do it? did you get any kick out of it at all? doing it to a boy, getting hand jobs off them was alright, waasnt it? you said blow jobs from boys was gay. but you did THAT to him. which means you did it because you knew it would hurt me? and to keep us in line, and punish him for speaking out. maybe he was getting dangerously close to telling rachel and chris. maybe youre just an evil evil person. i dont know. but i hate you.

04-11-2009, 08:26 PM	#45
bobbiwibble Just find the time and reach for the bright side Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Kent, England I am currently:	in white cos pointless and rambling and triggeringDear P I hate you. I hate you the most, because you made me so impure, you made me so confused, doubting myself, I was still doubting myself afterwards when all the rest happened, because you made me thnk that maybe it was okay I don't have an excuse -there was a girl in my class who was doing it with boys, so I can't say that I was a child and didnt understand. But I DIDN'T understand, maybe I was just that naive. Maybe I WANTED to not understand, because it made me not have to think about wanting you, wanting what you were doing to my friends on a weekly basis, making me stick my chest out and suck my stomach in because please oh please, this week let me be pretty enough, let me not have to sit there in my shame while your eyes roll lazily over my hair and my face and my wonky half-milk teeth and my clothes over my fat fat stomach before moving on, wanting to know what it was like, just once. I hate that I tried to make myself good enough for you. Luke, he's ill. he has to be. Karen, she was young. she had it all. it went to her head. but you? year after year, strictly 12-16 year olds please grinning because you could make them compete, because you had the power, because we believed that you were in the right. you made ian hate me. i had a crush on him and you knew it. you knew how much it meant to me when he stood iup and tried to stop you. so you hurt him. you did... things to him. and you did it in the next room so we all had to listen, while they all stared at me and i had to LISTEN while you did those things. touch of death, right? ian, lesley, sion, patrick. everyone whos unlucky enough to catch my eye. one raped because of me. one in prison because of me. one DEAD because of me. one suicidal, possibly BPD because of me. and i want to blame you. i want so badly to blame you.. god why did you do it? did you get any kick out of it at all? doing it to a boy, getting hand jobs off them was alright, waasnt it? you said blow jobs from boys was gay. but you did THAT to him. which means you did it because you knew it would hurt me? and to keep us in line, and punish him for speaking out. maybe he was getting dangerously close to telling rachel and chris. maybe youre just an evil evil person. i dont know. but i hate you.
	heliotrope-lavender-candytuft-tulip-almond blossom-sycamore Where do you turn when the night turns to singing such sweet melodies and you flash your fin then it's back to the depths where I cannot see you but I built these towers just to honour you.....