Thanks for the hugs, i appreciate the support. Somtimes i don't have the words either, but it is nice to have a hug it kinda says 'i'm listening'.
Thanks romperfry for the welcome. Yeh it has taken a very long time to get to the point of admitting i have to take some personal responsibility for my actions, to be honest with you i just want someone to rescue me.
That is exactly it i want be well NOW! I've lost so much of my life to numbness it is demoralising to think about. I do understand, i just want my therapist to just say a magic word and make it all better (sometimes when paranoid i think she is maliciously not doing this to watch me suffer)...but she seems to think the fact i can talk to her now is an improvement.
I self harm for lots of different reasons but mainly to stay in control. When i dissociate and self harm i generally don't have any control over what i'm doing so I don't really mind self harming in that state because i don't consider it me doing the harm, if you understand.
I could definately try and limit the times i SH when i'm angry and depressed. If i have the will power!! I try and do self soothing techniques but that ends up becoming another way to hurt myself. I try distraction and that can work really well because i'm brilliant at switching off but i hate being numb (well i also love it too, its complicated).
I'm still in very early days re: triggers. I know i SH when i feel out of control or hopeless but i don't know why i feel that way. I feel my main problem is that i never have a stable mood state, my moods fluctuate wildly and they literally consume me. I have very black and white moods, if i'm depressed i've always been depressed in my mind, if i'm angry everyone is out to get me etc. That is why i worry about saying to my therapist that i want to stop SH'ing because in an hours time i might not feel the same way about it.
Do you relate? Thanks for the pile of questions (and there really wasn't that many, i mean look how much i write in response!!), it shows that you care and that means a lot. I really do need help and advice, and i'm finally getting to the point where i'm willing to listen to it.
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