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Hi again
Long time not around. Cos life got icky.
Life is still icky.
Today I have managed to...
"Break Up" with sort-of-boyfriend person.
Almost eat lunch
Reinforce break up with sort-of-boyfriend person, who didn'tquite get it this morning.
Talk to nurse - I want to cease to exist/run away/be dead/go Home
Talk to tutor - my work is finally suffering. I failed an exam, no big deal, I handed in an essay that was plagerised, erm, how? nevermind, redo essay, and get 60 on the paper next term, fine, no big deal, but, wtf plagerism?!? Bad bad bad bad bad whoever did that. Oh yeah, and we also covered the "you could get a first, you are that smart" and "your academics never suffered before, which said, yes, things are problematic, but the core of you was fine" I pointed out that we essentially destroyed the core over Easter. I need a plan to fix it. But my therapist can't see me right now, so I'm working blind. Oh, and my essay title for tomorrow has changed, so I need to rework that.
I left feeling more down that I have in a while. It's a pervasive feeling right now, I was to leave. Just walk out on my life. Walk out and not come back. It's doable, I think. I don't want to continue to try and manage the between times between crashes and contain those when they happen.
Whatever I was meant to do, this isn't it.
I'm being pulled "Home" even though I have no idea where it is. And I don't want to go. But if someone showed up to take me there, I'm not sure how much resistance I'd offer.
The constant flashbacks are back. Again.
Can I have just one problem at a time, perhaps. Maybe just feel suicidal, or just feel flashbacks, or just... And then I'd be able to manage work okay. Cos right now, right now I'm not.
Scratch that. Right now, I'm re-reviewing "We are not in a relationship" with The Guy.
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