[typsee]

Hey PsCasino - I know this is a bit late, but how did it go at the doctors?

You definitely do sound very depressed .... and I think that this depression may be clouding your viewpoint, in that you are feeling that your life is going downhill fast (which may be true) and that you feel hopeless to stop it (which may be the depression talking).

I can relate to alot of your post though, because I have felt that my life took a similar downward spiral due to alcohol abuse. I remember when I was 21, and I had just graduated from university - got great marks, had a bright future and was working at my first fulltime job, I was living in a beachside unit on my own for the first time in my life. I had so much going for me .... but at night when I got home from work, I was just not coping, and was throwing it all away by drinking myself into a stupor.

And I was a witness to this turn of events, and the slow decent into a firey pit of hell that my life was taking ... it was happening right in front of my eyes, but I also felt powerless to stop it from happening! I just didnt see any worth or happiness in my life, and if I'm brutally honest with myself, I didnt even try to stop it from happening. I knew I was throwing my life away, but I was too scared to give up alcohol ... there were just too many things I wasnt ready to face sober yet, so I just kept up the drinking, and kept spiralling downwards.

You asked me how I coped at the time .... well, even though I saw that things were going downhill, I didnt feel ale to put a stop to it either, and I just kept on drinking in order to stay oblivious to what was happening. And I drank for years and years and years, until I had finally had enough ... and had nothing left to lose anymore ..... there was no where to go but up!

I'm not saying that I think EVERYONE needs to hit their own rock bottom before they turn their lives around ..... I just think in my situation, I needed to see that drinking was killing me, and killing all my friendships and family relationships, before I was ready to stop and do something different.

And I drank heavily for about 10 years - I started drinking when I was 18, but heavily drinking almost every day at age 21, when I got my first fulltime job and independance from my family .... the job only lasted for 2 years, and then I got regulated into a psych hospital and began my career in and out of psych wards and being on disability .... my anxiety, PSTD, and substance abuse complicated matters for me, and I could never really deal with my PTSD issues due to my always being drunk. Finally at age 30, which was 7 years ago, I'd had enough of escaping life, escaping my troubles, and heading for an early grave, so I decided to quit drinking for good, and it was really easy when I eventually decided I was going to do it! And I still to this day dont know why I was finally able to get sober all on my own at that point in time, coz I had tried so many detoxes and rehabs, and nothing worked until that time. But mostly, I think I'd had enough of being always sad, lonely and miserable, and I was just ready to stop drinking then, and start getting my life back on track ... I had finally had enough, and there was no where to go but up. My parents, who had put up with horrific stuff due to my alcoholism, were kicking me out of home ... again .... and I knew that I would lose them forever if I didnt try to get sober. And so I did ... and that time it worked ... I still am not sure why - guess it was the right time for me, and I'd had enough of throwing my life down the toilet.

So now, I am 7 years sober, working part time in a job I like, am seeing a counsellor for all the PTSD, depression and anxiety stuff, but at least I'm facing it head on now, and not blitzing it all out with a haze of alcohol. Its not at all what I expected for my life - I am not using my university trained degree ... I decided I needed a simpler life for myself ... and I am much happier this way. Sometimes all the achievements, accomplishments, grades, high paying jobs, money etc doesnt mean anything if you are too stressed to enjoy it! I am so much happier now that I dont work fulltime, I dont drink, I have a couple of friends and my cat, I live independantly, I do some work for others at RYL, and I have the love and respect of my family back again. That's all I need -a simple life ... not big achievements or anything, but I'm happy.

I dont know if any of that is helpful to you, and whether you've reached your own rock bottom right now, and you're ready to turn things around ... or maybe you havent quite got it all out of your system as yet.

But I think you do need to get on top of the depression, or else you'll be setting yourself up for failure. For me, I could never treat my depression properly, coz all the alcohol I was drinking just literally chewed up any of the beneficial effects that the anti-depresants were trying to achieve.

Giving up substance and alcohol abuse is a good start to trying to figure out how to improve things in your life ... and then getting your depression treated.

I bet that once you've got on top of those things, then the rest of the pieces to your life's puzzle are going to fit into place alot easier than they are now.