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aquatickitten · 11-10-2009, 01:40 AM

For years, I told myself I hated you. I told myself I didn't want or need anything from you, that the world would be a better place if you just disappeared forever.

That was the truth. It just wasn't the whole truth. I never hated you for what you did. I would have endured any of those things gladly if it meant that you would love me. My secret wish for all those years was never for someone to come along and save me, take me away. That would have been better than nothing, but it wasn't what I really wanted. I used to pray every night for a miracle, for you to have a change of heart and begin to love me. I used to pray that I could somehow be good enough for you. I thought that if only I were better, everything would be okay--and I hated myself for it. I gave you everything I had--my opinions, my free will, my mind, my body--and it was never enough. No matter how much I gave, you never had anything to give me in return, and that was why I hated you--because I loved you, and you didn't love me.

Today I (usually) know that it wasn't my fault. I know you're psychologically incapable of the things I wanted you to feel. But I'm still angry, and hurt, and part of me wants to know what the heck you were thinking when you decided to reproduce. It wasn't fair to me or my brother--all children have basic needs, and love is one of them. For that matter, it isn't fair to any of the women you've dated, either. Or the other people that have cared about you.

And I am still hurt, and still angry. But you know what? I've started praying for that miracle again, because when it comes down to it this isn't fair for you either. You're sick, and you need help. I want to see you get better so there's a little less pain in the world, for everyone involved.

You're the one who should be ashamed, not me. But I know what it's like to feel ashamed and out of control. I've made so many mistakes and hurt so many people myself...I just hope you can learn to live with yourself. I really do. If you do ever actually change? I'll be here.

I love you. Even when I wish I didn't.

11-10-2009, 01:40 AM	#7
aquatickitten Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: USAmerica I am currently:	For years, I told myself I hated you. I told myself I didn't want or need anything from you, that the world would be a better place if you just disappeared forever. That was the truth. It just wasn't the whole truth. I never hated you for what you did. I would have endured any of those things gladly if it meant that you would love me. My secret wish for all those years was never for someone to come along and save me, take me away. That would have been better than nothing, but it wasn't what I really wanted. I used to pray every night for a miracle, for you to have a change of heart and begin to love me. I used to pray that I could somehow be good enough for you. I thought that if only I were better, everything would be okay--and I hated myself for it. I gave you everything I had--my opinions, my free will, my mind, my body--and it was never enough. No matter how much I gave, you never had anything to give me in return, and that was why I hated you--because I loved you, and you didn't love me. Today I (usually) know that it wasn't my fault. I know you're psychologically incapable of the things I wanted you to feel. But I'm still angry, and hurt, and part of me wants to know what the heck you were thinking when you decided to reproduce. It wasn't fair to me or my brother--all children have basic needs, and love is one of them. For that matter, it isn't fair to any of the women you've dated, either. Or the other people that have cared about you. And I am still hurt, and still angry. But you know what? I've started praying for that miracle again, because when it comes down to it this isn't fair for you either. You're sick, and you need help. I want to see you get better so there's a little less pain in the world, for everyone involved. You're the one who should be ashamed, not me. But I know what it's like to feel ashamed and out of control. I've made so many mistakes and hurt so many people myself...I just hope you can learn to live with yourself. I really do. If you do ever actually change? I'll be here. I love you. Even when I wish I didn't.