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it'sonlyblood · 11-10-2009, 01:02 AM

Well, either i have a superhuman sense of hearing, or i'm hearing voices again.....from across the road, but when i look, no one is there. My Pdoc says she is against hospitals....."people don't get better there" she says....knowing i am psychotic 90 percent of the time. Personally, i feel a week or 2 inpatient would do me some good, i'm noot afraid because iv'e been in so many times......they are usually understanding and kind.

I'm listening to "Lithium" by evanescence...alone. I could easily talk myself into cutting........but i just am so damn weaK i don't have the strength, i'm a wad of cookie dough. Ans everything reeks, my dog got into it with a skunk, even the incence doesn't cover it completely, we got her a special bath at petsmart....she doesn't stink, just everything else.

Lithium.........i was on that by age 12. Pdoc has me mostly on zyprexa along with other support meds, just tapering off invega. Have run the gauntlet with meds and options run thin.....hopefully, the right combo will reveal itself eventually....(please)....havr appt. with her on mon....am considering telling her how bad i really am.....idealizing suicide....she knows i'm cutting.......(along with the whole world since telling her)...

I just feel like in limbo.....tired of the voices.....the meds....just exausted usually. I know my mom is terrified i'm going to leave her the "present" i did last time......2 pints on the floor, and a policeman waiting to explain everything to her. I had cut REALLY bad, and was put inpatient after an amazingly fast amb. ride. (let us take a moment to remember those guys......the drivers and techs that are the reason alot of us are still here to talk about this stuff. thank you ambulance people, i'll always remember your kindness and for saving me so many times......keeping someone alive who doesn't want to live.....they deserve a medal for being there while your bleeding out drunk as hell at 3am.....thanks guys) I don't think thats how i want to go this time.....maybe walk in on my own 2 feet? If i go at all.
If i tell Pdoc how suicidal i really am she'll send me for sure. If i even tell her.....NOW i'm just rsmbling..........sorry, thanks for the kind replies.

11-10-2009, 01:02 AM	#12
it'sonlyblood Drowning in surreal darkness Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Maine I am currently:	voices and worries Well, either i have a superhuman sense of hearing, or i'm hearing voices again.....from across the road, but when i look, no one is there. My Pdoc says she is against hospitals....."people don't get better there" she says....knowing i am psychotic 90 percent of the time. Personally, i feel a week or 2 inpatient would do me some good, i'm noot afraid because iv'e been in so many times......they are usually understanding and kind. I'm listening to "Lithium" by evanescence...alone. I could easily talk myself into cutting........but i just am so damn weaK i don't have the strength, i'm a wad of cookie dough. Ans everything reeks, my dog got into it with a skunk, even the incence doesn't cover it completely, we got her a special bath at petsmart....she doesn't stink, just everything else. Lithium.........i was on that by age 12. Pdoc has me mostly on zyprexa along with other support meds, just tapering off invega. Have run the gauntlet with meds and options run thin.....hopefully, the right combo will reveal itself eventually....(please)....havr appt. with her on mon....am considering telling her how bad i really am.....idealizing suicide....she knows i'm cutting.......(along with the whole world since telling her)... I just feel like in limbo.....tired of the voices.....the meds....just exausted usually. I know my mom is terrified i'm going to leave her the "present" i did last time......2 pints on the floor, and a policeman waiting to explain everything to her. I had cut REALLY bad, and was put inpatient after an amazingly fast amb. ride. (let us take a moment to remember those guys......the drivers and techs that are the reason alot of us are still here to talk about this stuff. thank you ambulance people, i'll always remember your kindness and for saving me so many times......keeping someone alive who doesn't want to live.....they deserve a medal for being there while your bleeding out drunk as hell at 3am.....thanks guys) I don't think thats how i want to go this time.....maybe walk in on my own 2 feet? If i go at all. If i tell Pdoc how suicidal i really am she'll send me for sure. If i even tell her.....NOW i'm just rsmbling..........sorry, thanks for the kind replies.
	You pick your path, then you pray.