[it'sonlyblood]

My Pdoc informed me i was psychotic last visit, i had no idea.....i broke down a little talking to her after group today.....i can't cope, simply can't.

If i'm psychotic, should i be in the hospital? Ive been in over 10 times this year.

Tonight, i feel lost, out of control, I'm idealizing the temptation of suicide, lord knows there's enough meds around the house to OD AGAIN. But i'm trying to hold on, i see Pdoc on mon again, i think i'll tell her how bad things REALLY are, am a major mess, can't seem to get it strapped on tight anymore. And my worries about the plots against me are ruining my life, i almost can't leave the house, for fear of someone breaking in and planting MORE cameras, and things like that, i'm being watched and recorded, and it's pushing me to the edge. I don't want to hurt my family, but if suic. is the only way out, i may have to consider it. For me, BEING is just too painful...i can't stand it, i can't cope, i just can't do this much longer.
People want to get me, and if i'm dead.....they can't. death is looking more and more like the thing to do. I'm going to tell my support team about this feeling, and see what they say....if i can make it to mon.....i pray i can.If i can just hold on till mon.....keep the blade away, the pills away, and just trudge through till when i see her.........maybe things will be allright???????????