Lexie .... your situation sounds so like mine that I had to double check to make sure that I didnt write this post! LOL!
I'm also an alcoholic, who also drank alcohol for the sole purpose of achieving oblivion .... and like you, after a substantial period of time being sober (for me its 7 years), I am also wondering whether or not I was a 'real alcoholic', and maybe I could just drink to get a bit tipsy and have a bit of fun, and relax. I feel that my life is completely different now than what it was when I drank to get drunk, and I'm just not sure that I would necessarily have as much of a problem with alcohol as I used to have in the past.
But in my situation, as I will advise you in YOUR situation .... Do you really want to take the RISK of drinking, just for a buzz and a bit of fun ...?
What if you found out that you COULDNT control your drinking, and that you couldnt stop after a few drinks?
What if you wanted to drink the next day, and then the next, and the next?
Do you really want to risk going back to where you were when alcohol was ruling your life?
It is THAT train of thought and asking myself those questions (^^ above ^^) that has stopped me in my tracks when I get these urges to want to drink.
As with you, my life is so much better now that I'm not drinking, and yeah sure - it pisses me off that I cant have fun with a few drinks at a party, and let loose like other people. And I do spend alot of time wondering whether or not I MIGHT be able to become a social drinker again ... and it really plays with my head.
But in the end, I am scared to death of going back to where I was when I was drinking ... and from the sounds of things, your life was probably no picnic when you were drinking either.
And do you REALLY want to take that risk?
And maybe if you DID drink, the first time you MIGHT be able to control how much you drink, and stop before it goes too far. And maybe the second time ayou could stop after a few drinks .... and maybe even the third time too.
But for me, the important part of being sober for so long, is that it a HUGE STEP to pick up that first drink. And the longer you stay sober, the bigger a decision it is to pick up that first drink. But once you decide to pick up your first alcoholic drink after a considerable amount of time being sober (and 6 months IS a good time - well done!), then you've jumped that BIG hurdle ... you've crossed that line between being a non-drinker to a social drinker, then it just becomes so much easier to pick up a drink the next time , and then the next next time and then the next next next time, and so on and so on. It just makes it too easy to go back down that road again and become a drunk.
But whatever you decide, you know its your decision totally .... but I will do my best to try and persuade you that I dont think its a good idea to go down this road hun .... and I'm only doing that because I know what its like to be having these sorts of thoughts, and even though you and I arent the same, I just think that a person who's had alcohol problems in the past, is alot safer being a non-drinker .. and that no one really needs alcohol to survive.
I am aware that there ARE people who can go from being an alcoholic, to being someone who only has a few drinks every now and then. Its NOT unheard of, and despite what AA may say, I believe that some people CAN make that change.
But I woudnt want to risk that I wont be one opf those people who can become a social drinker again ..... and I guess the question for you is do you really want to take that risk of picking up a drink to see whether you COULD just have a few drinks, and become a social drinker?
Whatever you do, dont make this decision lightly. Talk here some more if you need to ... talk to your sponser some more. Go to Meetings ... think really long and hard about whether you really want to go down this road.
Take care .
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