I saw my doctor today. She said I seemed really positive. I couldn't bring myself to tell her it was just a front because I didn't want to disappoint her. I'm a failure.
Everyone is out tonight. I'm finding it very hard not to use it as an opportunity to cut badly and have a trip to A&E without anyone finding out. Have already cut but it's fine just being steri-stripped at the moment but I'm finding it so hard not to do more. Hadn't cut badly in a week and a half. It feels too long. Pathetic really. Not even a week since I've been discharged - I need to go longer than that.
I'm scared. I don't want to mess up again but I'm heading that way at the moment. I need to turn it around. Do well again. Hopefully it's just PMT. I'll be ok. I thought I'd last longer than this without the suicidal thoughts. I know I'm not planning on acting on them yet but I'm still stock piling. What am I doing? How did I get here already. I'm supposed to be better for goodness sake. I don't want to mess up uni. I want to succeed. But I still want to be dead. Not going to tell my doctor or the mental health advisor how I'm doing because either I'm not going to do anything in which case they don't need to know or I'm going to do it and succeed. I can't have them stopping me again because I don't want to go into hospital ever again. I don't ever want to get to that desperate stage of having to do something but being stopped and feeling so out of control and helpless. I don't ever want to be locked in a room with no communication with anyone for days on end ever again. I don't want to be restrained and injected ever again. I don't want to hear the alarms or be pulled down the corridor in a headlock ever again. I don't want the nasty comments by some of the nurses. I don't want to feel so trapped and caged in. I don't want to be watched constantly not even being allowed to go to the toilet on my own. I don't want to be pinned to the floor screaming and kicking hysterically. I don't want any of that ever ever again. So I can't let them know about how I'm doing at all, I've got to keep telling them I'm fine so that if things do go down then they won't know and they can't section me again. Because I really don't think I'd go voluntary. Unless I was thinking clearly enough at the time that I could go voluntary and discharge myself after a couple of days. But knowing how it went last time I won't be thinking like that, I'll just be desperate not to go. And I'm scared because I know I'm going to do something sooner or later because I've got the ideas. I know exactly what to do. And even though I'm not going to do it now, I'm already working towards that, stocking up my sleeping tablets so that I have them even when they stop prescribing them to me. I'm not collecting the over the counter meds yet. I can get them any time. But I'm only going to be prescribed sleeping meds for so long and then they'll stop and I won't be able to get hold of them, so I have to keep them. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm split in two between wanting to do stuff and not wanting to go down that road ever again but I seem to not be able to help myself at the moment. I'm scared.
And I still can't decide whether to go deeper or not. It's 12 now though. The others would probably be back before me if I went to A&E now so I'd better not. I must be strong. But I want to. A lot. Why am I such a mess up? I'm sorry.
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