[ella1]

What scares me the most is continuing life like this.

I'm not even sure why i'm posting this because i'm not hysterical, or irrational or particularly worked up about things. I'm pretty sure that i'm ready to leave this world. I'm not upset or angry, just somewhat content that yes i'm really sure i don't want to carry on struggling for the will to "want to live". The world is not a good place. Most people i encounter are insensitive, nasty, selfish and vain. I'm sick of pretending i'm ok and i'm getting help and generally that things will, inevitably get better. I'm not going to kid myself anymore. Everything is just too difficult. I'm so anxious over going into work, seeing people and generally waking up. I've tried, believe me i have tried and i simply do not see a way out of this feeling. Just complete hopelessness, pointlessness and uselessness. I do NOTHING productive, enjoy nothing and exercise all for, yes, you guessed it NOTHING. I'm never happy with the weight i've lost. I should be grateful i'm not how i used to look but what people don't know is i've cheated my way through the weight loss. I'm bulimic but overweight, how pathetic right? I exercise flat out everyday (well except for one day off every 3 weeks), work full time and have another job and for what? bloody nothing. I am so sensitive to other people's comments, views and perceptions of me that i no longer wish to live to see another day.

When people say things like "when you panic when out in public and you think you're going to die..." my response is not that i panic because i'm going to die but that i'm going to live, continuously like this and feel like sh*t day in day out. Is there really any chance of feeling any differently when you have felt so awful for so long? I used to think there was hope. Hope that when my family knew about my depression, suicide attempts and cutting that i would feel this huge sense of relief and immediately feel better by knowing i have their support but i don't. I regret it because i have to live with the guilt of knowing that i can't appreciate them as much as i think i do because all i want to do is to not live. Not wake up tomorrrow and not have to see another horribly depressing day.

Like i said i'm not hysterical or upset/angry but realise this is a little messed up. The problem is i have just gathered all the tablets from my whole flat and have them in my room. So tempting but i have work tomorrow 6am and a shift at my other job. I wouldn't normally be so tempted to end things on a day where i know other people's lives will be messed up so as to cause as little disruption as possible, but i think i've reached a more selfish level withing myself in that i think this it. I can no longer hang around for other people. Call me selfish, call me ungrateful, you would only confirm the thoughts of my self hatred. This is beyond now. I there really any hope? I just don't think there is. I'm sorry for anybody's time i've wasted by reading this. It's all a little pointless. Like me i guess.