[lexie820]

I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. I got sober through AA, which has taught me that the first step to recovery is admitting you are powerless over the substance that you have a problem with. I fully accepted this in the beginning; I knew that once I took that first drink or drug, it would take over me.

Now, I'm not so sure. I've been having cravings to drink and somehow I get it in my head that I can just have enough to get that buzz I'm always looking for. I've been sober for almost six months and yet the obsession to drink has not been lifted. I sometimes wonder if I really am an alcoholic.

When I drank in the past, my purpose for drinking was always to achieve oblivion. I guess I've been trying to convince myself that if I have a new goal, to only get buzzed, that I will stop when I've had enough. My sponsor calls that "controlled drinking" and I often hear in meetings that if you really don't think you're an alcoholic, then to go back out and try some controlled drinking. That, of course, has always been appealing to me.

Since I got sober, my life has gotten so much better. But, at the same time, I feel as if I can never have fun. It's really frustrating. I know that at the root of it all, I really just want to be someone else. Drinking can make me feel like a different person. I know that I have to be comfortable with who I am as a sober person, but I've been so caught up in drinking and using drugs, that now that I'm sober, I don't know who that sober person in me is.

I'm doing the best I can. I bite the bullet and get through the particularly strong cravings, but it's times when I'm just sitting around doing not much of anything that I really start to think about it. I need some experience, strength, and hope on having a fufilling life without drugs or alcohol.

Thanks,
Lexie