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Droplet · 13-09-2009, 10:33 PM

Thank you so so much you two for your understanding, and for the hugs. *hugs back*

It's been my choice to actively choose to try and change things.. just a fed up-ness of hospital and ill-life, and now how ironic I'm scared I'll end back there if things keep going that way.. and I haven't been out long - about two weeks. :( What a failure. I believe I have an illness but I also believe I am stupidly weak and not strong enough to cope. I have so many regrets and I've spoken about this with an awful lot with people and I just can't seem to get over it. It's a real reoccuring theme.

I can't stop crying. I've cried for so long today. I don't know who to talk to. I'm at a loss.

I've decided I'm going to call my support worker tomorrow morning (my CPN is off unfortunately) cause I'm desperate and hope I can explain things ok. I tend to jumble my words up or play down my problems cause I'm scared of being overdramatic. Though really I don't want some professional person telling me the right answers and such, I want to just talk about how I'm feeling with somebody who truly does care about me.

I'm getting quite bitter and jealous which really doesn't help how I see myself when everything I say and think is nasty.

Plus I'm having a bit of a situation with a sort of ex of mine. I don't want to go into it here, I feel quite stupid and uncomfortable, and also guilty, but it really doesn't help. And I'm the 'bad guy' there too.

I think you're very right in suggesting slowing things down. But my mind is really fighting that thought. It's crazy. I'm going a little too fast. I should be able to control all this. I will still meet up for coffee with a couple of friends but perhaps lay off going to see some bands and other stuff.

I feel like walking out of the house tonight, just going for a long walk in the dark but that would be unsensible and unsafe and end in drama so I will be here instead. I hope I can sleep. Don't think I will, even though I'm exhausted.

x

13-09-2009, 10:33 PM	#4
Droplet Join Date: Nov 2008	Thank you so so much you two for your understanding, and for the hugs. hugs back It's been my choice to actively choose to try and change things.. just a fed up-ness of hospital and ill-life, and now how ironic I'm scared I'll end back there if things keep going that way.. and I haven't been out long - about two weeks. :( What a failure. I believe I have an illness but I also believe I am stupidly weak and not strong enough to cope. I have so many regrets and I've spoken about this with an awful lot with people and I just can't seem to get over it. It's a real reoccuring theme. I can't stop crying. I've cried for so long today. I don't know who to talk to. I'm at a loss. I've decided I'm going to call my support worker tomorrow morning (my CPN is off unfortunately) cause I'm desperate and hope I can explain things ok. I tend to jumble my words up or play down my problems cause I'm scared of being overdramatic. Though really I don't want some professional person telling me the right answers and such, I want to just talk about how I'm feeling with somebody who truly does care about me. I'm getting quite bitter and jealous which really doesn't help how I see myself when everything I say and think is nasty. Plus I'm having a bit of a situation with a sort of ex of mine. I don't want to go into it here, I feel quite stupid and uncomfortable, and also guilty, but it really doesn't help. And I'm the 'bad guy' there too. I think you're very right in suggesting slowing things down. But my mind is really fighting that thought. It's crazy. I'm going a little too fast. I should be able to control all this. I will still meet up for coffee with a couple of friends but perhaps lay off going to see some bands and other stuff. I feel like walking out of the house tonight, just going for a long walk in the dark but that would be unsensible and unsafe and end in drama so I will be here instead. I hope I can sleep. Don't think I will, even though I'm exhausted. x
Droplet Join Date: Nov 2008	The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea. Wind in the Willows.