thank you kim, irene, romp, rachel...
i'm ashamed and embarrassed
its so hard to describe the desperation inside of me
i feel myself falling, yet the further i go the better i am at hiding it.
the only person i have to share with on an everyday basis, i fear, just wouldn't have the time or wouldn't understand.... at least, they would, but not coming from me...
its hard to explain myself. coming from a place where i've never known better, i find myself wondering perhaps if i expect too much of the world.... if really its 'supposed' to have all this **** that i'm just ill equipt to handle alone.
i currently have no therapist... the one that would have been best for me fell through for reasons no fault of mine...and no one else will take me on as of yet. i'm aware that my complexities, the very things i need help with, stop me getting any help at all.
i know in myself that over the last few years ... where i am now, i never thought to be possible, and if you'd have told me so i'd probably not have believed you... that in itself gets me down...i feel so very desperate, yet having come 'so far', how much further is there?
every step i take, and yes its in the right direction... but i'm hit more and more by things i didn't even realise were hidden there.
i can feel myself ...i don't know if slipping backwards is the right thing to say... i'm not going backwards in the sense that the distance covered can't be lost... perhaps its just that old habbits die hard.
most of the day i can walk around like i've not a care in the world...or at least appear that way. i think i do a pretty good job on that front.
at night, alone, i sit and dream of death and self destruction... of all the things i've seen and done. the horrors of life..my life. i wait, i hide, and then i let myself cry. where no one can see or hear.
there is so much there...flashbacks are stronger...but not... its like i can sit and type here...or watch the tv, but all the time there are screams, pain, horror, ringing in my ears, flashing through my mind.i don't really know.
i so long to be held. to be comforted and loved. perhaps, like a child who doesn't have the toy their friend does, and is disappointed when they get one too and its not as good as it looked before... i am looking for unconditional love in a way simply never obtainable.
there is so much that has to be hidden, i fear no one will ever know me. i'm not even sure i do, and thus... how can i find such comfort?
perhaps i torment myself with ideas of compassion,warmth,nourishment.
its times when i sit and realise that i have so little understanding , and 'how far i've come' is all part of a highly functional masquerade that i really begin to so how little progress i have made at all.
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