I think it's good.
I agree with the comment that it can come across as quite repetitive. I get what you're trying to do, but i think it needs to be reworded slightly.
I think there are places where you need to let the sentences flow a little more naturally too. I can see the reason in having lots of short abrupt sentences to reflect the stabbing emotion, but there are some unneccessary fullstops in there and may lose you marks.
I think it could be good to add some description of the surroundings maybe, to add to the feeling of it being nightmarish... maybe something like 'My tears falling, mixing with the blood, moonlight glinting on the surface of the suddenly still pool like a twisting knife.'
I dunno, just a bit more imagery might add something to the feeling without having to spell it out?
Also just wanted to point out a few small things hun:
only a couple of metres seperating me separating
'Time of death, 9.47pm.' Then I heard a scream
You need to change the full stop to after the speech marks if it is the end of the sentence...
ie '...9.47pm'. Then i heard...
Also,
She wasn't here to pick up the peices pieces
She swirved swerved
I think you have a good basis for a story there. As you said, you have plenty of time, so just keep redrafting and i'm sure it'll be wonderful :D
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