[charcoalchild]

I have been self harming for over 13 years in one way or another, and as time has gone on the severity of it has become worse. This, is partly because my mental health problems themselves have got worse. But, five years ago I was born again. Coming to know Jesus has undoubtably saved my life many times - one time in particular when I was very suicidal I had gone to church in my car, planning to give a sealed envelope to my priest on leaving, telling him to open it the next day (a suicide note) and then drive to a secluded area and OD. However, half way through the service I clearly heard Jesus say to me, "do not do it today.. you are needed" and I could not go against the words of God.. so I planned to do it the next day. And sure enough my mother was in need of help that day.. so I was needed. The next day my car wouldnt start. So I couldnt drive anyware.. my next door neighbour, a mechanic.. said he thought it wasnt the battery that had died, and that it was the spark plugs that would need replacing.. so i made a vow not to do it at home the next day.. (Iwanted to be out of the house when I OD'ed) it was my mums birthday a few days after and i was supposed to be driving her somewhere.. and I didnt want to do anything so close to her birthday (stupid excuse I know) and I prayed that if God just gave me my car back so i could take her out as planned i wouldnt attempt sui. The next day my neighbour told me it was the battery and that he had fixed my car. God kept me alive.. I believe he put obsticles in my way to keep me alive.

However.. my faith isnt rock solid.. I get scared that God will not forgive me of my sins.. I did some terrible things when I was younger, even when I was a Christian.. even now I do.. but I trust and believe that God tried all options before he sent His only Son down, to take our sins.. that "whoever believes in him shall not die". I go to confession.. not because I believe you cant be forgiven unless you do, but because I believe that by confessing your sins to 'someone' you are getting them out in the open.. they are not secret anymore.. you cant pretend they didnt happen. Absolution or not.. the second you repent to God.. you are forgiven.. but not only that.. your sin is FORGOTTEN.

Do I believe sh is a sin? Yes.. God says our body is a temple built in the image of Himself.. we should not violate that body.. but God does understand.. when he sent Jesus.. a part of Himself.. he allowed himself to be harmed by the wounds on the cross and the scurging he recieved. (Just my opinion)

Phew! Thats just my ten pence worth.. sorry I wrote so much.

N. B. Could I offer up a prayer request please??....

I found a lump in my breast yesterday.. I have been to the gp who has confirmed it is a mass of some kind.. I am being refered to the specialist for a mammogram and lumpectomy.. where they biopsy the mass to see if it is malignant or benign.. (cancer or not)... Both my grandparents died of cancer, one being breast cancer..