Your defiantly not a freak. I went throught the same feeling when I was trying to get better and i threw out all my stuff from my bedside table. It's a horrible feeling, and you fee like you've kinda like lost control of it because you don't have those safety tools there. But rockaroni is right although having them makes us feel in control...we're really not...it's in control of us. You've taken control by throwing them away and you are on the right track!
I really hope you start to feel better *hugs* If you need me message me and i will get back to you as soon as possible :)
Be safe & well.
xoxo
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