[Coaster]

*Triggering--ED*

Okay so my mom bribed me not to self-harm... she said if I didn't do it for a month she would pay for me to get piercings.

I want the piercings so bad that I've actually tried to fight the urges. I got SO CLOSE the other day to doing it... but I didn't.

However, I can't fight two things at once. In the week since I got back from my 3 week trip (I didn't SH over the entire trip... I promised myself I wouldn't and we were so busy every day I didn't have much of a chance to do it if I wanted to) I've been feeling pretty horrible. I've wanted to do it SO BAD. But I haven't. My parents talk about how they're so proud of me, but I'm not proud of myself. I can't tell them why.

The reason I'm not proud of myself is I've developed a sort of eating disorder again. I've been throwing up several times a day. The thing about me is that if I don't eat at all I feel sick to my stomach, but after I eat I feel sick to my stomach as well. Now that I'm back into this, I'm obsessing over it! All I can think about is the next time I'm going to eat and throw up, and what I'm going to do when I go to that party and there's food. I haven't seen my boyfriend in MONTHS and I'm seeing him today but all I can worry about is the food. I can't even get excited about seeing him.

At this point I don't know what's worse... falling back into SI (which will happen in a few months anyway I can guarantee) or holding this eating disorder for the next month or longer. I just can't reason with myself anymore! In my mind it's either one or the other!