could be " Triggering self harm depression "
I dont know why i bother life is just becoming unbarable ......
In order for my Dr to move forward and try and help me she wants to see a report or assesment from my psychiatrist .... its been 3 weeks since i saw my psych and nothing no report, he doeesnt care . So i rang them up and asked the question will i get a report or not, the psychiatrist and his secretary are on holiday till tuesday 18th aug the secretary should get in touch with me to say yes i will get a report or no i wont.
If my Dr gets this report she can try and move forward although i dont have much hope,all she can do is refer me back to the CMHT and i hope tell them i need further therapy like CBT, DBT to help me move on . Iif she doesnt get my psychs report she could use the art therapists final report instead.
Im sick of this round and round in circles crap, my Dr said what is it that you want from me dave . I said well ive still got issues that i cant resolve on my own, no one seems to want to help me anymore ,that my antidepressants havent resolved my issues but theyve helped stabalize me more ,or my art therapy has helped but not resolved my abusive past . Both the art therapist and my psych know i need more than the standard 20 sessions but wont give me any further therapy CBT, DBT because its simply not available on the NHS.
I understand that some people would rather run screaming the other way than actually try and comprehend or face up to what its like for me they dont want to accept the psychological damage ive got because it scares them they dont want to aknowledge what would they do in my place, that they also would be screwed up and trapped.
arhh well your damn lucky youve never been thru a traumatic experience like me i didnt ask to be screwed up i didnt ask to be repeatedly traumatised and emotionally , mentally scarred and still be depressed.
Just been speaking to my mum wish i hadnt.............
just tried to tell her how my progress is going,
shes here till the end of the month, well dont worry mum i will never speak of it again not even to just update you on my progress anymore.
I know that parents are ment to understand , but often they dont well my parents Dont ,
Wont understand me or my issues.
Why is there such a big divide between us, those of us who struggle with depression, anxiety, past abuse and those who have never been thru what we have such as our parents, friends and the damn professionals.
Im already feeling like an outsider, a leper, in limbo and my mum has again just re inforced those feelings of its all my fault im to blame for the way i still feel. " i must be behaving badly, why else have i had these disagreements with the professionals. my psych says ive symptoms of borderline , but ive done nothing other than stand up for myself , and got no where.
my mum says Why cant you be happy for a while dave?.
Er dont you think im trying i am still depressed you know and i have issues that still havent been resolved. You dont really understand do you mum what ive been through a living hell, no sooner do i say this than she goes defensive " i cant talk about this dave " .
I know you cant you dont want to face it do you? well how do you think i feel mum i have to face it i have to confront it, live with it day in day out . Can you imagine what its like mum living through HELL in an abusive relationship im damaged inside by the things she did to herself and to me.
Normal treatments arnt enough to help me , my Dr agreed with me that meds like antidepressants only work so far they lower your anxiety and ballance out your emotions to make you more stable. Well they have done that with me but im still depressed and my Dr says she agrees i need more therapies to help my abusive past . And was discusted at the way my psych treated me.
All im looking for is a therapy like CBT, DBT why the hell cant i get it just because ive been treated badly by 2 CMHT Nurses and two psychiatrists im being blamed for not getting on with them and being a bad person.
Im not making this up why cant i get the treatments ? the NHS is underfunded and probably doesnt have the therapies available to give people, they could be short staffed. Well yes but if thats so why the hell are the professionals like psychiatrists accepting patients like me, reviewing me and suggesting treatments like art therapy, mens group therapy or CBT and then slapping me in the face by saying your not gona get any further therapy, or ever see the psychological therapies service again if you get refurred back or see me ever again. If he knew he hadnt got the treatments he shouldnt be assessing people and giving them false hope.
Infact i dont know why hes doing his job ............................
Thats what they want me to do anyway give up, walk away get out of their hair one more problem that they dont have to deal with. I mean if im behaving badly then ok but i honestly dont think ive behaved badly, or agressivly ive got angry but never ubusive .
i feel such a bloody troublemaker, such a bad person for still being depressed yer its my fault ....................................
I give up................................................ .......
i wish to god you professionals would just take my place for half an hour , one day and live in my shoes with this crap .....then youd bloody understand.........then youd be crying out for support and help with therapy. Why cant you understand what its like living with this, living through this.
I just want to scream............and scream................and scream
forever.
I give up