forgiven&free,
i've been dealing with a lot of that myself lately. everyone has different problems, but we all have problems. we're all travelling toward a central goal of being like Christ, but we're moving toward that center from every direction imaginable. it sounds like maybe this woman is on the other side of the circle and you don't understand each other very well. I'm praying that this woman will have her eyes opened to her own flaws so that she can be more patient with yours, and I'm also praying for God to show you that you don't need to turn into the person this woman is trying to mold you into to be like Him. You need to be you. If God wanted you to be a copy of this other woman, he would have just made two :) He loves you for who you are, what you are, where you are--including all your problems and fears and doubts. He understands. He really, really does. It's so easy to get discouraged and fall into the trap of despair. It's so easy to let the fear that you can never be good enough keep you from even trying.
Maybe not everyone struggles with this like I do, but I gotta say, it's something I
agonize over. Every time I take a long hard look at myself...well, it
hurts like nothing else. For so long I've believed that if I only tried harder, did better...but I'm learning now that I can't fix myself, it's only an illusion. As Augustine said, "I can do no good". I feel like a dog chasing its tail.
And then a voice in the back of my mind whispers, If you could save yourself, you wouldn't need a Savior.
And I realize that no matter how watered-down modern day Christianity has beome, this is where it all began--the deep darkness of the human soul, where there is no hope left. Jesus is our
only hope, and he has been the only hope to many, many, many before. You and I aren't alone in feeling tainted, unsavable. It's the most terrifying thing in the world to come to this place, and realize that we are completely--
completely--at the mercy of God. It's terrible and beautiful and...aw(e)ful, in the truest sense of the word. But I believe we're among the few members of the human race blessed to see things as they really are. God uses the foolish and the weak to bring shame to the strong, to show his power and truth, and if you'll let him, he'll make you part of that.
And maybe this isn't at all what you needed to hear, but even if it isn't, writing this has helped
me. So thank you :)