Rainbow .... my heart goes out to you.
I'm an alcoholic ... I've been sober for 7 years now ... but when I was drinking I remember how much pain I caused my family ... especially my Mum. And even now 7 years later, I know there are some things about my behaviour back then, that I will never be forgiven for. I really hurt the people I loved the most ... but no amount of 'sorries' will undo that.
I cant possibly imagine what it would be like for a child to have to watch a parent in the grips of alcoholism! Your parents are supposed to be there to take care of you ... to love you and to be there for you always ... to be a reliable, consistent and trustworthy presence in their children's lives .... but it sounds like your Dad was never a 'real Dad' for you ... and that is incredibly sad.
Personally, I feel that you've made the right choice by cutting off contact with your Dad. Well done for doing what is right for YOU hun! You've given him the message that until he deals with his problem and gets sober, that you are not willing to have any contact with him ... and hopefully, this will give him the motivation to eventually do something about his problem. I'm sure he loves you very much hun .... but sadly this illness has gotten the better of him, and he needs to recognise that he has to get help before he loses everything that ever mattered to him.
Have you ever considered researching any of those AA groups that are for loved ones of alcoholics?
We have them here in Oz - AlAnon and AlTeen - and I've heard that people have found them quite helpful.
I remember when I was still drinking heavily, my Mum and Dad went to one AlAnon meeting, but they were resentful that THEY had to go to a group because their daughter had a problem! But I think these groups sound really good, because they can teach loved ones to look after themselves .... and that you cant make your parent, son/daughter/friend etc give up drinking - only the alcoholic can make that decision. But there ARE things that YOU can do to look after yourself, and not 'enable' (AlAnon buzz term!) the alcoholic in his/her drinking.
Whatever you decide ... you have our support Rainbow.
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