hmmm ... Actually, I'm not surprised that you're feeling a bit depressed after writing this post .... I got a real heavy, sinking feeling just reading it!
From what I sense from your post, its like your life is going downhill ... you can see it happening right in front of your eyes, but up until now, you havent been in the right position or right frame of mind to be able to do something to stop it from happening.
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but you dont seem very happy about the effect that your drug use is having on your life, and your relationships with friends and family. Maybe you could get away with your drug use in the early days, without it interfering too much in your day to day life ... you could just scrape by without being too worse off for the experience.
But now, it seems that something has happened (the last week ... your family's loss .... your Mum's birthday) that has opened your eyes to how bad things have gotten for you.
I know in my own experience, it was how my alcoholism effected my family, which was the worst thing about my addiction ... it's like it didnt matter too much if it was only me who was effected, but seeing my Mum in so much emotional pain, worry and distress over me and my actions, was like too much for me to bear! And this is when I would drink some more to numb out the reality of the situation and escape this knowledge ... which of course made everything that much worse!
I hope you do write some more.
I know that talking about this stuff can be a bit depressing - its no picnic about the way drugs and alcohol can really wreak havok in some people's lives and relationships .... But if you stay true to your word about never using mind-altering substances again, then chances are that you're going to need some sort of support or other, and I dont know what your 'real life' support systems look like ... but I know that alot of people prefer the anonymity of being able to post on the net and get this stuff out of their head.
Anyway .... I guess its up to you... but we're always here if you want to talk some more.
Good luck with it!
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