Thanks for the replies.im sorry ive not updated for a bit.
The weekend was pretty nightmarish for me.Saturday night i was up all night and went through the night on RYL till nearly eight in the morning.There was no way i was gonna sleep.
Sunday i slept a bit and also had to meet up with my befriender.That was ok.We went for a drink and a meal in a pub in town.But about half way through the time we spent together i began to feel really physically ill again [more so than i do the majority of the time now lol].Really badly and so i was pretty silent which was difficult.We just sat there in silence a lot.i was struggling to stay with the world and also seriously thought i might be physically sick again so the last thing on my mind was making conversation at that time.i was even worried that if i just opened my mouth to speak sometimes it would just happen.
But anyhow eventually i felt a little better and we caught the bus home.It was just hard.He knows i have mental health problems, has Depression himself but i have him from an orgnisation for a seperate physical disability really.But it was just hard suddenly feeling so physically ill but i guess thats about right right now.
i feel a bit bad about how i was during that half of our meeting and apologised just saying i felt ill and tired but it just didnt feel like i could do anything else or dared to try and speak through it all at the time.
i just felt really ill.
im feeling really physically weak and am wondering if maybe going to the pub yesterday in town [a bus ride away] was maybe too much for me.Sometimes it seems like physically i can cope with going places doing things but other times i just cant manage it anymore.
i also slept a bit yesterday, last night and today probably trying to make up for Saturday night too a bit maybe.Though i still feel very tired and quite physically ill [though not as ill as i felt in the pub yesterday] though i have stomach pains today i didnt have yesterday and still feeling a bit sick at times too but thats life!
i am just so so tired.
i have to see my CPN tomoro for the results of my blood and urine tests for the liver and kidneys.She is going to ring the surgery when i am with her.
They will probably be fine and i will look a right idiot.
But i have been feeling so ill.But thats why i deserve anyway so why should it even matter.
It shouldnt.
im pathetic.
im sorry.
Roiben i understand what your saying about the cancelling the order and i did consider it but i think im gonna need them anyway.
im taking so much now that even if i manage to cut down id still be taking an awful lot realistically and it isnt realistic [or apparently safe for me just to stop] so probably gonna need them anyway and cheaper this way!
And even to reduce the order as this is not from a regulated company i could reduce it but the minimum would still be a massive amount of times more than a normal chemist etc on the high street would ever even consider selling you.
But i think i'll need them anyway.
And i know im not helping but im not sure i could ever allow myself to do that anyway.....to cancel something i had brought to help with my death.
im just so confused about everything right now.
Where im going, what i want....but often realistically it feels like only one part of me can win.
That part that wants me dead.
And Waiting In The Dark i am really geninely struggling to see that i could make enough of a difference to my life to stop my dying through all this in the end......i know i can some difference but not enough.So thank you for offering to believe that i can until i eventually get [hopefully] to the same place.
It means a lot to me.i just hope that i dont let you and everyone down.
Take care all.x
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