Thanks for all the replies.They mean a lot.Truly.
i know i cant just stop.i guess i know that deep down but ive just been feeling so bad about myself and when i feel like that then well i think i should be able to, and i think everyone else must think i should be able to too.
i feel bad about myself in general but so bad about this too.It just adds to my badness as a person.
I am trying to work with my Psychologist and CPN etc but my progress is generally very slow if at all sometimes right now.
i can talk to them about things when i have the energy and am physically well enough but it is hard for me to articulate things especially given the amounts of tablets im taking but also cos of everything emotionally too.It is too hard too articulate too much.
But i havent been able to talk to them much recently cos ive been in France.i will see the Psychologist Thursday afternoon though panicking about that especially cos ive not seen him for about two to three weeks now.Kind of got out of the swing of things when i was away i guess.And now it makes it even more scary i guess though i would be scared anyway.Dunno why though.Dont make sense but i am.
Things arent going well in my life and i am frightened of my therapy right now i guess.
It is difficult for me especially when im feeling so ill [though its my fault] but i guess it was never meant to be easy.
i also havent had much contact with my CPN due to my being away but she did come to the GP with me to hand in the urine sample and give moral support for me to have the blood tests done last Friday.
Then we had a drink and a chat in a cafe.Thank goodness!She was a star!But i couldnt talk about much at that point.
i had to concentrate on just doing the tests that day.
She is seeing me on Tuesday afternoon to ring the surgery for both of the results.
She is going to ring them with me.
They will probably be fine and then i will look an idiot for having feeling so ill and maybe theyll think i was lying about how ill ive been feeling.......that ive been feeling close to death.
And i will have failed to hurt myself too.
i dont know how i will take this.
i dont know i can cope with the results whatever happens.
i meant a short post here you know.
i was just gonna say this is stupid.
Things are reeally really out of control right now and if they continue like this i really am gonna be heading for real trouble.
i dont know why things are so out of control for me right now.
But they are now so out of control that its ridiculous.
But i cant stop for moments enough to get any sense of control back to this.
i cant stop.i cant stop long enough.....
im sorry im failing you all.
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