Acrasia

I can go out into the garden OK, although i get paranoid the next door neighbours are looking over there fences when they aren't.
My psychiatrist did say the majority of my agoraphobia is made up with social phobia, i'm more scared about being around people, crowds, strangers, i feel everyone is staring at me - no, i KNOW they're staring at me i'm that convinced. I start sweating, and having panic attacks, i get jittery (moving my hands, shaking, moving my legs if i'm sitting down) - then i have to get away before i feel like i'm going to die (that's litrali how i feel).

So it's a mix of both agoraphobia - going out is daunting - but i'm also scared/petrified of people.

We're going in the car to my local Riverside Park - it'll be hopefully quiet - and i'm going to feed the ducks to distract myself. Because of my back problems i'm going to have to find a bench of some sort as i can't stand for long periods and Gemma & i will chat like we do at home. But i told her if at any point i start to get anxious i want to go home, because i'm not going to force myself to stay out longer than is necessary to please her/other people. I can't do it because it will just make me so much worse :/

I just wish i had other people around me in real life who were supporting of me. My family don't support me..so i can't rely on them, and the only bestfriend i have (friend at all) in real life is not really interested in me all that much. Which leaves me on my own.

My psychiatrist is quite..arrogant. He told me i'd go to hell if i killed myself and i laughed because i was so shocked someone of that profession could say something like that to someone who is mentally ill. I seem to always get the oddballs when it comes to psychiatrists - the last one i had laughed in my face (several times) and kept saying "Well be happy you aren't hearing voices" - yes that really helped. Idiot.

*Sigh* Just fed up. Of everything.