Acrasia

Hi guys,

This will probably be long and..bleurgh. I need some encouragement/support for tomorrow.

Basically i've suffered quite severely with agoraphobia/social phobia for a year and a half now.
I can *just* about make it to my doctors (which is like..2 minutes from me in the car) - but i only go once every 6 weeks - but i speak weekly to my GP on the phone. I rely far too heavily on my parents to help me out in paying my bills at the bank and getting my shopping/prescriptions.

Anyway. My CPN Gemma wants to take me out tomorrow at 4pm. -Cue Panic-
I've been good the past few weeks. Irene (Morrigan) came to mine 3 weeks ago now (just under) and i managed to make it to my local shop which is litrali 3 minutes from me - but then, i was pretty wrecked on all sorts, so i didn't have time to think about it.

I've also managed to go to my opticians to get my eyes tested (for the first time in 4 years) but i was really anxious/sweaty and panicky. I'm not good in strange places (well "strange" in the sense that i'm no longer used to them).

I managed to see my lovely GP on Friday and we chatted for ages - i managed to write him a letter and give it to him and i've NEVER done that in my life. He gave me his email address (never heard of a GP to give out email addresses - he also offered his mobile number but i'd prefer email) for when i need him/want to talk. (Been seeing him for 2 years now). I honestly, truely, wouldn't have gotten this far without him. Out of all the professionals i've seen, it seems slightly ironic that my GP would be the person i trust the most.

I'm meant to be going out on Saturday to my friends house in a village about 20 minutes from here. This will be the first time i have gone out this far in..a very very long time, and i'll also be staying over. I'm really anxious about it. We will be getting sloshed, which i know will help with my anxiety but i'm starting to get panicky about going.

Then Gemma (CPN) sprung this on me this morning - about going out tomorrow afternoon. I'm really petrified. I'm going to take all my medication before i go but i don't want to dissapoint her but i know she wants me to go at my own pace, but right now i feel so much pressure from my MH team that i just..i don't know..feel too overwhelmed and upset.

I feel like i'm doing this for everyone but myself. No one believes me when i say i don't want to be here and i find it incredibly frustrating trying to articulate myself when i'm distressed. It isn't a case of not wanting to be "like this" anymore, and thinking of suicide as an escape, i actually truely don't want to be here, and i'm struggling with all these..new things being thrown in my direction to work on when i don't even want a future.

I've not wanted to be here for years, even when i was a child i felt out of sorts and that i didn't "belong". I feel ultimately it's my choice to whether or not i stay or go, because it IS my life, it IS my body, but there's always something that ends up going wrong when i make plans and it screws with my head.

My SI is on the increase. It's the only thing i can think of that remotely helps my anxiety. I can't stand my anxiety. If i just had my BPD/depression/agoraphobia - fine, but i feel my anxiety is the worst part of it and i just can't cope with constantly feeling like i'm being throttled.

My consultant psychiatrist sat in my living room and for 15 minutes was spinning off all these things on how to get better. I felt so overwhelmed the moment he left i ended up self harming. I would expect someone of that profession to understand it's a matter of taking very teeny tiny baby steps (even my GP said this without me saying it) but he just expects me to do all these things straight away and then i'll be "all better again". It doesn't work like that. F*ck i wish it was, then maybe i wouldn't be like this in the first place.

I'm just all over the place at the moment and finding it difficult to control my moods. I feel very alone in that i have no one to talk to anymore, and i end up spending most nights crying from feeling so abandoned and lonely. I text people for company but i'm lucky if i recieve replies, but i find the majority of the time it's me doing the chasing and i feel like history is repeating itself when it comes to keeping friendships.
I'm exhausted because i stress over the stupidest of things, and end up not sleeping. Sleeping is something everyone needs to function properly - without it we would all be screwed. But no matter how many Temazepam/Diazepam i take, i will still be wide awake, and i can't help not sleeping anymore.

I want to sort my meds out so i can somehow regulate my moods more. Right now i've just been put on Quetiapine and i'm now on 100mg and increasing by 50mg every week.
But i find it so overwhelming that people expect so much of me. It makes me feel like a failure and that nothing is worth it.

Sorry, this sounded really ranty and moany. Just needed to get it off my chest.

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