I don't know how much i can continue to fight these suicidal urges. It's getting to the point now where i just have a big ball inside me growing, urging me on to do away with myself. The only other times i've had this feeling i've attempted to take my life and ended up in hospital being treated for it.
I want to steal a few pounds out of mums purse - just incase i fail i'll need to buy a drink or something (hospital water = skanky) - but i know in my heart i won't fail which is slightly .. more tempting. (I have no money until Thursday).
I don't know how i'm meant to be keeping myself safe. Distractions don't work. I'm certainly not calling 999 and i'm not phoning out of hours doctors because there's nothing they can do other than tell me to distract myself.
I'm so exhausted from these thoughts. No one would give a sh*t if i was gone away. I go on about it way too much. Probably because i want to be believed, and that when the time does come people won't be so shocked.
F*ck if i know how to get through tonight and tomorrow night.
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