[youngmanstride]

since about 16 i've been dabbling in and out with drugs.

16 it was psychedelics and pot or anything i could get my hands on. left me with a cannabis psychosis, and some unspecified disassociative disorder and possibly PTSD/bipolar II, i also started to slowly SI. by then no personality disorder could be diagnosed, i didn't seek help for any of it. instead i locked myself away in my room for about 9 months too scared to leave my room.

17 - was nothing, half the year was spent alone in my room or with my few friends drinking, did some ketamine. nothing serious.

18 - the prior year i found psycheatrick help and was on prozac/zyprexa/clonazepam. started abusing DXM then ecstasy. so many horrible nights of spilling out my secrets to strangers online, i still was housebound. by the end i was taking dexedrine and codeine. induced another nervous breakdown. my SI was outta control in december.

19 - i began banging coke. not one binge i ever was fun or even worth causing long term damange. crack also. tons of benzos. some pot. even injected lsd. tried to find help but found no way out. lost all my friends, terrible terrble year 2008 was. i stopped in sept but then it was too late, i was manic and obsessed with someone.

now i've slowed down, but it still lingers, to shoot coke, or find smack, oxy anything i can put in a rig for 5 hours of not caring about issues or myself. i still SI badly. just yesterday i read about a homemade prep to inject valium and did that, got a horrible abscess when i missed and had to slice it open so i could hold my arm out straight. but what i abuse now is CPM, benzos, caffeine and i chain smoke. alcohol comes and goes. when high on all of em at once i do things like calling people who used to harass me and harass them back. i act belligerant, generally unstable.

i dunno how to find help that will benefit me and is sufficent. i feel that my problem isn't worthy of others from what i have read and seen so far.

any insight or suggestions?