[Painter_by_name_only]

I have started having dreams that I am back on the inhalents... I mean I can feel the high and taste the drugs... I am having urges like no other, I mean I have been clean and sober for 10 months but the urges are just as bad as when I first quit. I don't want to go back to the addict I was but I am already sick of fighting the good fight. It just seems like an uphill battle I am destined to lose. The only thing holding me back is I know what it did to my addictions did to my friends and I refuse to hurt them again. I just lost another friend and I always dealt with the deaths of my friends by drinking, drugging or cutting. Since I have quit all three I am having to actually face the emotions. Its like I am finally dealing with not only this friends death but the death of the other 12 people I have lost in my life. I am strugging to even register and emotion. Its just nothing, its not even numb which is what I usually feel. I just want so desparately to feel something...