Today my house-mate and I cleaned the house. It isn't perfect, but when you have been living in what feels like a pig-sty ... any improvement is good. I feel a bit bad about it though because it took me 4 hours to clean the kitchen, whilst my house-mate cleaned both the bathroom and the living area and also swept out the back and front patio areas. Mind you, we both agree that the kitchen was a hell of a job. There was absolute sh*t everywhere ... cockroaches and spiders and ants and who knows what else. There was also a drawer of a chest of drawers in the kitchen that had rotting vegetables in it. I nearly vomited several times, especially when I cleaned out the big fridge because there were substances stuck to it that I had no idea what were or how long they had been there and I had to attack them with some serious chemicals ... which affected my stomach on their own. The other reason for my wanting to vomit was when I saw things like insects inside items in the fridge (the fridge is looking pretty empty now - actually we have no food). I also found out that we have a bench-like object in the kitchen that I don't believe I have ever seen before ... and we moved some things around. I think that there is still probably some work to do there, it would not surprise me at all, because there were packets of food (unopened) and so forth on the top of one of the fridges that I had no idea who they belonged to or where they came from or for how long they had been there et cetera.
I feel a little better now but I had to admit to my house-mate that I had not eaten since Saturday. The work and the chemicals were affecting my stomach and head and I kept getting dizzy, so I tried to use that as an excuse ... but he had seen that I had felt quite dizzy before I had started work so he asked me straight out. I looked down when he asked me because I was going to say that I had eaten yesterday but he a) asked me again before I could answer and b) asked me to tell him truthfully. He said that I would have to eat this afternoon and again tonight to try and get my "diet" back on track. In some ways that feels like the opposite of what my head / mind / body are telling me is what is required. It kind of confuses me.
I've managed another Xanax this afternoon. Took one in the presence of my house-mate although I haven't told him anything about my concerns or why I have been distancing myself from everything that is going on. I want to, but a) it never seems to be an appropriate time and b) I'm terrified of hurting him and c) I'm scared that he will get really concerned with what is going on ... and there is always the possibility that he will suggest the hospital - although that won't be a worthwhile adventure.
I have my letter regarding my surgery. My pre-admission clinic is for the 14th of April and the operation is "presently" booked for the 26th of April. I'm not sure that I will be well enough to act like all is well so that it can go ahead and I'm a little concerned about afterwards because this house is not going to make it easy for me (especially with it being my dominant arm and the layout of the house is ... not exactly going to help matters). I will have to bring this all up especially as I will be unable to do simple tasks for myself like bathing and toileting (or cleaning up after) and dressing and I should still be studying for a few hours one night a week ..... *screams*
Okay, a bridge that will have to be crossed, when it has to be crossed and not before. Right now I just have to stay calm, and try not to OD on the Xanax. I just wish I knew what sort of help I need so that I know who I can ask, and what I want them to help me to do!!
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