[Buttons.]

The night had drawn in around the unit, and a slight breeze crept in through my window. I huddled on my bed, digging my nails deep into my hands to stop myself crying out in emotional agony. A nurse I hadn’t previously met popped her head round the door and came to sit beside me, sweeping her long brown hair back off her face so as to see me properly.


“Hi, I don’t think we’ve met before, I’m Jamie. Are you okay? You seem a bit down.” I don’t know what did it. Maybe it was undiluted desperation, maybe it was frustration at finding myself once again alone with this miserable monster that had stolen my face and name. A hairline crack spread through my armour, and I crumpled like a discarded sheet of paper. “I want to die, I just want to die and for it to be over!” The words exploded out of me, tearful and toxic. I hid my face in my hands and let shuddering sobs overwhelm me. “Do you have a suicide plan?” Jamie asked gently. I nodded my head then felt a slap of realisation at what I had just admitted to. I’d be back on one to one observations as sure as the day was long. Jamie gentle took my hands and lowered them, trying to get eye contact. “Katy, I need you to tell me what your plan is.” I shook my head violently, I could not say, I would not say, I’d already let on too much and I needed to keep this final back up plan close my chest, shield it from view until I had gathered the guts to complete it.

Jamie tried hard to persuade me for over half an hour that night, using every weapon in her arsenal against my stiff suicidal silence. Eventually she had to accept defeat, but warned me that in the morning I would have to discuss this with Y.S. My stomach shrivelled and seemed to shrink at the thought of this. I could hardly handle Y.S in normal circumstances, let alone try and talk about this disgusting dark side of me. I turned over in bed to face the wall, and jammed my fist in my mouth to muffle my sobs as tears spurted down my cheeks.