[Namaste]

(Note: You don’t have to read all of this… I’m just having lots of issues and need advice and support and if you could give advice/support on any of the topics I mention, it would be appreciated. Thank you.)

I really am. Almost no one likes me, and the people who actually do like me, well, I burn them out with my neediness. I'm so annoying. No wonder no one ever wants to talk to me.

I haven't cut in a little over a month. I want to so bad. I'm not really triggered, right now, it's not an urge, I just miss the blood, and the scars. They each told a story, they each meant something to me. Sometimes I hate them, but on rare occasions I really love them. And I know I'm going to have times where I miss them. And I never cut very deep so now they are fading. I

Perhaps not fast enough, though. I've been sickish for a while now. I’ve been running fevers, and vomiting and such… I really think I need to see a doctor, but I'm terrified of having to explain about my sacrs (I also have social anxiety disorder, so going to the doctor to begin with is hard), and I haven't been to the doctor since I've been like this with my cutting, and my scars/cuts used to be pretty hard to notice, and I cut in areas that a doctor normally wouldn’t need to see. But more recently before I quit cutting instead of a couple of small cuts, I had more than ten large cuts all over my hips and stomach and some scarred pretty bad. I’m not sure what I’d say if a doctor asked. I think I’d probably end up having an anxiety attack, and it’d just be very embarrassing. I don’t think I could handle it.

I've been even more ill since last Thursday when I ODed as a suicide attempt. (For the record, I really didn't want to, but I was fighting with my boyfriend all day, and I felt awful to begin with then, to top it all off I came on here, went to Completely Serious chat, and was told if I was really suicidal I wouldn't be on this website. So I felt I had to leave.) I haven’t been able to eat much really, and I’ve been having chest pains and such. But again, I feel I cannot see a doctor because of my scars so I’m pretty much screwed.

I kind of wish I had died last Thursday. I actually wanted to really, but I kind of knew I wouldn’t. It’s not the first time I’ve attempted suicide and it’s probably not the last. I feel that I am completely useless, and although some people may CARE if I died, they would in the long run get over my death and be better off without me. I don’t really WANT to die though. I’m pretty sure it’d be for the best, and I’m tired of feeling this way, but I do have a few wonderful friends, and the most AH-MAZING boyfriend in the world, but I feel like I deserve to die, and that a lot of people probably want me to.

I’ve been abusing painkillers lately too. To get high. As an escape. My parents are kind of mean (emotionally abusive, I’ve been told), and if they knew I’m PRETTY sure they’d disown me. And I have been taking old drugs that my dad had from shoulder surgery that were in our med cabinet. I’m really scared they’ll notice. The bottle was full and it’s almost half empty. I don’t know what I’d do. I really want to steal the whole bottle and get rid of the pills, so I won’t use anymore, because having them there is tempting, but they’re a commonly abused painkiller and my parents always think the worst of me (usually they’re not right, but in this case I’m doing the worst thing) so I’m pretty sure they’d know. And if by some chance they notice it’s half empty, well, then I’m screwed there too. I’m not sure what to do. In all honesty, part of me just wants to not worry about it… and take the bottle, and keep them and keep taking ‘em because it feels SOOOOO good. But I know it’s dangerous and stupid, and will probably get me in some deep trouble, if not with my parents, than I’ll be in trouble when I run out and start trying to buy more illegally. I don’t know. I just don’t want to feel depressed.

And my parents have really been on me about my weight. I feel like drugs are a distraction from food. I don’t eat as much when I’m high.

Anyway, my parents half been really vicious about my weight. Medically, I’m a “healthy weight”. I have a healthy BMI, doctors say I’m fine, but I guess that’s not good enough for my parents. They tell me how much weight I’ve gained, and how lazy I am CONSTANTLY. The call me a pig, and tell me I look obese, and tell me I have a muffin top and thunder thighs and all sorts of things like that. It hurts. There is nothing I hate more about myself than what I weigh. And every time they’ve spoken to me the past couple of weeks, they’ve mentioned my weight. And it’s never in a caring “maybe you should change your diet, or exercise a little more to be healthier” way. It’s ALWAYS vicious and mean. And it hurts. I’ve expressed that it bothers me, and they just called me a “baby” for not being able to handle it and continued. I hate it. It’s killing me.

My father told me not to eat the other day. And I’m considering it. I fasted a lot last year, and I know supposedly, it “doesn’t work”, makes you store fat and stuff… medically, yes, that’s how it should be. But different things work for different people, maybe my body is just really screwed up, but I fast on and off for a while and restricted (and occasionally purge if I ended up binging) and I lost lots of weight. AND I was able to back to eating normally and MATAIN MY LOWER WEIGHT. For MONTHS. It was only when I started overeating a bit after I got out of the psych hospital I was put in, and when I was put on meds that I gained weight back. So it worked well for me once, why would I not go back to that? I’m honestly considering it. Plus my friend is going to help me get some diet pills really soon, so maybe those will help. I’m really desperate. I try eating healthy and exercising, but I always end up eating to much or too little and there’s only so much exercise I can do in my own home. I’m so bad at this. But I was good at fasting. And I just want to be thin. I want it so bad.

It’s hard though, my parents say don’t eat or you’ll get fat, my boyfriend tells me, you have to eat or you’ll get fat. So I kind of feel like I’m stuck, that either way, I’ll always be fat, and I can’t please everyone, I most likely can’t please anyone. It’s hard.

And lately I haven’t been getting the professional help I need. I’m having to find a new psychiatrist. (It’s a long story, my old one was refusing me treatment because my parents didn’t pay some bill, they supposedly actually paid, and my dad chewed out my psych’s secretary.) It’s been a few months since I’ve seen my psychiatrist, and being with a new one will be really hard, since my social anxiety disorder has seemed to only get worse over the past year or so. I’d been with my old psych for about a year and wasn’t yet comfortable enough with him to be honest, and so having to start all over is going to be a really tough thing. And I’ve been having frequent migraines and missed lots of therapy (I go to a small group therapy once a week), plus I missed a couple of appointments because I was high. And in all honesty, I’m terrified to be honest since I can’t risk my parents knowing any of this. My mother found out I cut and now every time we get in the slightest argument she says things like “why don’t you go cut yourself?” and she calls me an “emo freak”. And it doesn’t seem like much but still, it hurts. And if they knew I was still depressed or suicidal or that I did drugs or that I hated myself, they’d only make things worse. SO I’m scared to be honest because I can’t risk them knowing, but I know I’m not going to get any better if I’m not honest. So I’m not sure what to do.

I don’t know why I posted. Sorry for rambling and wasting your time. I guess I just wanted advice and support and hugs. I know people go through so much worse than me, and I have no right to feel this way or to whine about this crap, but I’m a really weak person, and this is really hard for me, and I feel trapped…