[Buttons.]

The meeting with the head of the psychiatric unit occurred later that day. She sat and asked questions and wrote the responses as I trembled and avoided her eyes and tried my hardest to answer coherently, when my panic levels were rising so high it was a wonder I could stay still at all. From that meeting it was decided that I would receive an emergency admission to the Adolescent psychiatric unit in a town about an hour away. I would be leaving the following day.


Mind churning I packed up my belongings again, asking my mother to bring in other clothes and items I would need for when they collected me to make the transfer to the unit. When she returned, she had a surprise in her hand. I had asked her to post on a mental health support website to let them know why I wasn’t around but that I was alive and kicking and not to worry, never really expecting more than one or two replies from friends.


She returned with five pages worth of condolences, thoughts and prayers. Messages from people I didn’t even know telling of how I had written them supportive replies when they had been at their worst, girls who I only ever exchanged joking emails with telling how much those meant to them on a dark day, friends and acquaintances reeling, having thought I was such a strong, together person. A few of the replies told me to check my mobile phone and when I did there was text after text with messages of love, jokes and promises of care and support. I felt my heart swell, and my courage multiply. I was not alone. I was most certainly not alone.


Alongside this treasure was a parcel which was a jewel in itself. It was from a friend who was too far away to visit, but had sent pages of lyrics that meant something to both us, a teddy bear she could barely sleep without to keep me company, a green foam that could be manipulated and played with when stressed, and more.


Armed with these items, tangible proof of people’s love and belief in me and my ability to recover, I got into my dad’s car with only a twinge of fear. I could get better. I would get better.