Thanks :)
I think I just spent the last few hours talking myself out of it again. There is a massive part of me that thinks I should do it. And a massive part that is pulling me back. I am so confused and lost right now, I just don't know what I should do. I just changed doctors again, but have not yet been to see my new gp. I don't think I can go through talking about everything again, trying to convince someone else that I need help. It just convinces me that I am making it all up when they turn me away saying "do some breathing excerises" etc. I know I'm not making it up but to have been to so many doctors and not had even one pay attention to me. I am scared that one day I won't be able to help myself anymore, have no support from doctors and just, well I don't even know what I would do. Ryl has been a massive help, even if all I do is post rants everynow and then. I just, oh I have no idea what I am talking about.
I think if I had gone straight to a hospital when I felt like I did earlier, without cutting or without spending too much time thinking about it, I would be in a safe place right now. But I don't know if it is the best place. I have no idea. Maybe, maybe its because no doctors have ever listened in the past and when I feel myself getting like this I think, well you have to help yourself, take yourself in and someone will help you. But I don't know if I can let someone help me either, I say I want the help but - to let go of this, to let somebody in and to admit to everyone that I can't cope....
I am worried what my friends will think. I am not all that bothered whatthe family will think, I hate most of them. But oh, I know if my friends are my friends they will support me and they won't treat me any different but, what if they do? I mean some of my friends, who I LOVE with all my heart, I haven't let them in - they don't know what I am really like and it's them I worry about. I care about them so much, I'd actually do anything for them but, I can't let them see the real, crazy me.
Anyway now I am rambling, as I always do. Thank you Kate, you made some sense, I have to think about it more I guess. But it's the thinking that talks me out of doing things like this.
Gemma xx
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