[-Stewie-]

i really need your help here, because you're the only ones who can understand/relate even though its something totally unacceptable.

i got into a row with bf last night. i kept calling him and he wouldnt answer. i got more and more frustrated so i texted him basically saying if he didnt answer id do something stupid. he called me right away and we talked and eventually everything was ok but he said what i did was emotional blackmail and he doesnt know if he can forgive it. he only dropped it cos i got so upset at the realisation of what id done.

i havent done anything like that since i was like 18. im now 22. when i say anything i mean used my issues to manipulate people- not that i havent done stuff since then. it used to happen when i felt out of control and hurt and frustrated and really worked up and paniced.

and i guess same goes for why i did it last night. but im not exactly the hardest person to get into a panic and ive not done it before now =/ i cant explain it- its like it wasnt even me. the person i was back then is like another me thats still inside and who im good at keeping under control most of the time.

obviously i told him this last night when talking.

i dont know what to do. how to prevent it happening again, how to show him how disgusted i am. i feel like just ending it because he doesnt deserve someone like me. i mean look right here- i did that and all he cared about in the end was me not upsetting myself over it, totally disregarding his own feelings.

he doesnt deserve this =/