Okay, this is just going to be a little update. I'll get a bit more in depth on a few matters when I can.
I saw the new psychologist at uni today. She saw through the mask I tend to wear when meeting new psych workers and actually told me that she could see that even though I was laughing and smiling there was a lot of sadness underneath. I think that's the first time anyone has actually come straight out and said that. She even said that it was probably a mechanism I put up to the world when I was nervous or scared and going into a potentially difficult situation.
It went fairly well. I managed to get some of the biggest concerns out and she picked immediately the two biggest dangers in relation to the university studies - the likelihood of psychotic episodes, and the suicidal ideation. I felt like she was listening and trying to help, and she was also taking the time to ask me what I felt I needed.
I've been home for about two hours after the appointment, and I'm not feeling fairly calm. I've basically been lying on the bed just trying to maintain a calm place in my mind ... and not SI. I was going to go into my room and shut the door and attempt to sleep, not just rest, but knew deep in my soul that if I had done so I would have attacked myself.
Feeling really fragile right now, but in some ways a bit better ... I guess because I followed through and reached out to someone for help.
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