[CatchMe]

what am I supposed to do? my dad is going to leave and move out...I mean he's done things...to me...but I can't hate him and I never said no I mean I should have so it's techinically my fault but...I didn't want him to leave but then my step-mom found out and he's going to move out and I was going to go with him cause she hates me but he said he wouldn't be able to restrain himself from me then and he might do something stupid when things were getting better....and since my mom like hates me and has tried to starngle me...in an attepmt tp do what I fail to do, kill me I'm scared to be left alone with her...I mean even if I said something that'sd just set her off and I don't wanna do that so I'm keeping my mouth shut but it's really hard and I feel so angry, at them but mainly me if I could have just said no from the begining none of this would have happened sure she'd hate me but she wouldn't flat out say it or anything...and my cuttings getting so much worse, because I feel like it's the only familiar thing I have left...the only thing that won't leave me alone that makes me feel safe, I know lots of people think I do it for a pain escape or that I like the pain but I don't it's just familiar a sense of controlling it, I can say how far deep or long I can say yes or no indefinatly and not worry. I can do whatever I want with it, I can choose to end it by taking to many meds I can do anything with it........but then I feel so lost afterwards, what am I supposed to due next? what do I do from here? do I do anything? everything is so out of my hands...he would leave really soon and if he does I'm afriad of what I'll do...I crave for someone in my family to care what I want so since my step-mother never does I know I will go drink, I know I will sneak out, I know I wil do stupid things and I know I will probaly end up homeless and I don't know what to do I know I shouldn't even think of things like that but it's what I would do...everyone is selfish to a point me moreso than most so I want the attention...I want them to see me, my stepmother only sees my dead mother, whom she hated and my father sees a...a....fuck buddy! I don't want that I want them to see me, who struggles with colloege to make a living, who can't talk to people in person, who can't sleep at night because I'm deathly afrid of my own dreams, who wants to get a job and have kids who want's to not cut, who loves to dance and draw and wishes maybe she could finish her violin symphony...but they see none of that and I want them too so badly...but he's going leave and as much as that would be better for me it'll get worse too....I'm just feel so helpless and hopeless and I have no idea what to do I talk to my friends on here....but they're arguing right now....they're deciding what will practically destroy my little brother and me...but mainly my little brother...because I'd have to take care of him...I mean I'm used to it since my mother is never there I mean he calls me mom half the time but...I can't be there all the time I'm too selfish I need to be alone sometimes....I'm scared I won't be able to and soemthing bad will happen to him I don't want him to turn out anything like me....I just don't know what to do from here.....