Hi thanks so much for replying and yes you are very right it has felt very hard when my CPN has been away in some ways though im not sure why.
In some other ways its probably made it easier for me to drift and think maybe eventually i will end up dead though and part of me has just been going along with that, not asking for help, just allowing myself to go further and further off the rails knowing i need to die.
But i have missed her an awful lot and things have gone significantly downhill while she has not been around.
The support she gives me is very valuable.
i do feel im inadequate though.
At the very least.
To be honest right now i dont know why but i just keep thinking of the image of someone finding eventually and trying to take out of my flat all the black bags of empty tablet boxes ive got and struggling to carry them and coming back for more and more.
And then i think.....well what would they think of me then.
And i think inadequate is the least bad thing they would think of me.Inadequate would be positive compared to what i think theyd probably think along the lines of though im not quite sure what that would be....
But inadequate would be the least bad thing they would be thinking of me.........they would be thinking worse than that.
Thats what scares me but i know its true.
i dont know why i keep thinking of that image.
Probably cos it scares me....what would they think of me, what would they do with me then?If that happened?
Not really a question for anyone to answer, if they dont want to.Just my thoughts.
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