|
Im sick of this
Really, i don't know what to do anymore. Every single night almost I feel like I need to cut to fall asleep. I'll lie in my bed for hours nd can feel my heartbeat pulsing in the area where I know I'll cut. That is one of the worst feelings. You can't ignore it, you can't make it stop. It's just there to torment you. I said I wasn't going to fight the urges anymore, but I can't do that. They would worry to much, I can't hurt them like that.
I'm scared of cutting in a way. If I just cut for the hell of it, then the first cut hurts but all the ones after don't hurt at all. I go so much deeper then I really mean to because I can't feel it. When I realize how deep it is I still can"t stop because it doesn't feel like it's "done" if that makes sense. Because I'm cutting in one area, it's not bleeding properly anymore. I think it's cause I've cut there so much because the cuts themselves are deep.
I don't feel like I belong on here right now. I don't even know why. I don't feel 'right' on facebook either. It's like facebook is to superficial and I just judge everyone and then I feel bad for that. On here, I can't seem to do any good. I don't feel like I belong anywhere! I love my school and I have lots of fiends there, but it's strange... The gym I love but I'm haveing so many problems right now that it just doesn't feel right either!
I'm having problems eating because I don't feel hungry then I don't feel like I deserve to eat because I've screwed up so much recently. I'm in the gym 21 hours a week and I know that I need to eat, I just can't... I had to go to the doctor because I felt so sick and he took blood and I want it to come back as bad news more than anything. I need something to happen so that I can prove I can fight. I've been sick for 3 years physially and that is getting worse now too. I want to give in and give up!
The people I usually talk to about this, I don't think I wan to talk to. They all have their own problems and I just make it worse. I stopped seeing my psych because I hate her. Apparently, that was the worse decision I could have made, according to my head of program...
I'll probably end up deleting this because it's so pathetic, but thank you for reading this far,
|